Shelby Stidham

Celebrate the Whole Instead of Dwelling on the Bad

Only when you live lifeThen you become what you are

-Dave Matthews Band, What You Are

In life, it seems like we are eager to forget the bad things that happen to us, the people that walk on us, and all the messed up shit that happens to us. We want to remember the good times and try to always be happy but you know what? I’ve found that its way easier to remember the bad stuff than it is to try and forget and ignore. Personally, I am the way that I am today because, mostly, of all the bad stuff that I’ve been through. So why hide that? It seems like we should embrace all of our memories equally, making sure we value each person and experience. Sometimes if we try and forget things, we end up pushing them away from us before we get a chance to learn from them.

When I was 18 I had this boyfriend who was two years younger than me. We met in high school–I watched baseball games and he was on the team. Anyway, we were young and we didn’t really know how to be in a relationship. We dated for over a year, treating each other the way you see couples treat one another in movies. He took me out on dates, paid, we held hands, watched movies together, took drives, went shopping, you know, that sort of stuff. When I became a freshmen in college, I went through a lot of changes–physical, emotional, mental–the works. I became a new person to myself but my boyfriend didn’t change. It’s hard to be with someone when you are in a transitional phase in your life and they aren’t. I ended up breaking up with him right before our two year anniversary and you know what the weirdest thing is? After that long, I don’t think either of us really cared. I mean, we were more like friends that stayed together because they didn’t know what else to do. And up until recently in my life, I always put my relationship with him in the back of my mind and never thought about him. I always felt guilty for breaking up with him and I tried not to think about him to make myself feel better. But now I realize breaking up with him was the best thing for the both of us. If you’re dating someone for almost two years and you haven’t even come close to being in love or feeling like you can see a serious future, what are you doing? Treading water? Biding your time? Life’s too short to be so unsure of something so important.

With that said, I’m not saying casual dating is a waste of time. It’s when the dating leaves casual and strolls into serious that I think its time to re-evaluate the situation. That boyfriend that I broke up with–he is now a college graduate (a year early for his grade) and has been dating a friend from high school for the last two years or so. It makes me happy to know that we both have grown into the people we were meant to be and that we, after our past, harbor no animosity for one another. It was, in retrospect, the ideal break-up, as much as I didn’t know it at the time.

I’m happily engaged now, waiting to set a wedding date, but I have to say this: Because I’ve learned to talk openly about past relationships in a way where I celebrate the whole instead of dwelling on the bad–it’s allowed me to become the person I am meant to be. Enjoy all of your memories–it makes life a lot better.